Gawd, Mary You’re Such a – What Is a Side Lateral Raise With a Garlic Press?!

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Yeah!  Kinda, sorta…

I think as I’m getting older, my patience is tending to wane.  I’m also getting more and more incapable of remaining in an upright position…in any situation.  See this.   AND, my ability to stay attentive and focused on something any longer than sixty seconds is careening into near dementia-like capacity.  Seriously.

I’ve noticed lately, that when directions are given (like in bootcamp class) I listen for all of five whole seconds and then my mind wanders… ‘gee, I wonder how long I can hold my breath under water these days.  I wonder if the weather is going to get any better by the time I leave.  Has the U.S totally gone bonkers?  Trump is a royal asshole.  What?  Bicep curl, got it.   Gee, did I turn off the stove this morning?  I DON’T USE THE STOVE AT 5AM.   Gawd, pay attention.  What did she say?  What the hell does French Press mean?  Like, Garlic press but better because it’s French and so… wine?   I don’t think there’s wine here.  Did I buy wine?  Do I need some for tonight?  Who’s coming over for wine?  I love wine.’

Then, by the time the actual workout station is upon me, I have totally forgotten/not noticed/no fucking clue what the hell ‘lateral row with elastic’ means, so I invariably make it up.  Yep, I’m there doing some shit I totally invented thinking, ‘Gawd, this must be it’ and ‘I’m totally killing this shit’.  Then coach eyes me suspiciously and comes over to show me the opposite of what I’m doing…so, I’m wrong? How did THAT happen?  I think my new exercise rocks….or not.

Is it sunny out yet?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN?!

So it goes for daily work, family stuff…writing time…driving…I really shouldn’t drive with children or impressionable youth in my car.  I tend to be, um, what’s the word…annoyed?  Hmm….INTOLERANT is probably a better description.  It’s my inability to comprehend the logic behind many, many drivers on the roads which sends me into classic tirades on considerate driving habits, rules of the road, WHY NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MERGE REALLY MEANS.  Struggles.

So, getting back to the original topic I’m turning fifty, I’m losing my mind, I can’t walk on ice or rain soaked pavement, I hate drivers, I love dogs and I love wine.

The End.

  1. Downton Abbey totally gets the “This Shit is Awesome” Award for Edith’s epic rant of simply “YOU’RE A BITCH, MARY!!”

And so she is, Edith.  So. She. Is.

Lady Mary

“Gawd, Mary…get a sense of humour.”

I think I fist pumped the dog after that one.

 

 

 

 

 

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Falling Down is An Art form, So I’m An Artist!

woman worker

I put this pic in because I needed the inspiration. I can do more than just fall down well.  

Today saw me literally falling out of my car.  FALLING OUT OF MY CAR.  Who DOES THAT?  I opened the door and it was as if my feet and legs couldn’t cooperate enough to manage a foot-on-the-pavement solid step movement, so instead opted for the next best thing and just decided to slide me under my car.  As soon as my foot touched the ground, I slid uncontrollably under my driver’s side door.  There was no attempt at grabbing anything to stop the decent from happening, I just went with the motion and kept on going.  I even shut my door.  It was kinda graceful, really.  In slow motion, I would have looked like an elegant ballerina deciding to check the underside of my car…with my feet.  In my defense, the pavement was a sheet of ice from all that freezing rain crap…but still…SLID OUT OF MY CAR.  Ugh.  AND, Friend witnessed the aftermath as I sat on the freezing ground deciding if I should attempt to stand, or just stay the hell down there…so she laughed…all the way into bootcamp.  FRIENDS ARE AWESOME.

AND, I finished a bootcamp class, thank you very much.

A million burpees and several thousand push-ups…I’m sure it was that many.  At the very least…I lost count.

I SLID UNDER MY CAR AND MANAGED TO EXERCISE.

What did you do today?

Yeah….

 

 

The Phone Poltergeists are Taking Over the World

My phone is possessed.  I have dropped it twelve too many times and now it simply does whatever the fuck it wants.  Like switching apps at random times.  Fading my background to eerie France-like colours that was all in support of Je Suis Charlie last year, but not my choice right now.  I like actually being able to view what’s on my home screen.  While I’m still a supporter of France (who isn’t?  Uh, wine) I don’t think the colors should be fading in and out on my phone.  It also has decided to start prank-calling random people on my contact list at very inopportune times of the day. Like 5am.   I received a voice mail from the breeder of Mags desperately asking if the dog was all right since I have called her twice and hung up.  Apparently, that signals ‘dog emergency’ and she became concerned that Mags had become a crazed victim of rabies, or biting or anti-social behaviour.  All of which are more than a possibility, however, I was forced to send breeder a soothing text alighting that Mags was indeed alive and well and, albeit anti-social and a pain in my ass, still fine.  Not rabid.  Not lost.  Not eating shit off the floor…wait.  Okay, maybe that last one.  I dismissed attempting to tell her my phone called her all by itself…Suuuure it did.  Like who would believe a phone can make phone calls all by itself?  Next, you’ll tell me there’s an artificial intelligence movement where machines will eventually take over the world and we should be cautious….

ai4

 

Mmmm…K.

I’ve taken to blaming the strange events as the work of Perry the Poltergeist. Icons are being activated without my hand being anywhere near the phone and my home screen scares me.  I stare at it waiting for Pennywise from It to appear and scare the beejesus out of me.  Seriously.  I even had to alert friends on FB assuring them that I was not prank calling at 5:00am and if I ever DID do that, I certainly would have done more than simply hung up.  Gawd, do you know me at all?!  The very least would have been heavy breathing…then maniacal laughter…I’m liking this idea..

So, if you have fallen victim to my evil phone, I apologize.  AND, if you receive a prank call very early in the morning, it wasn’t me…probably.  It was that Perry…He can be such a dick sometimes…

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Mags.  Still ok and eating shit off the floor…